The Perfect Musical
by jessica97
Summary: Jess and Danielle are on a quest to find the perfect musical to perform in their theatre, however they find there are few flawless musicals...except for one.


Author's Note: This is my One Person Show script. Basically a One Person Show is what we have to do to pass theatre 4 senior year. We write, cast, star, design sets, direct and does everything to our show. This was mine…and it was so difficult to pull off because I had a large cast. (With little kids in it nonetheless). Sorry about the format…I'm too lazy to make it like a story so this is the script.

Plot: Basically this is about me and my friend looking for the perfect musical, but that is very hard to find. I put it in Sound of Music fanfic for reasons you will see at the end. I promise it was better on stage then written, but I tried to add some of our fun adlibs so it would be almost as good! So read and I hope you enjoy it and review!

The Perfect Musical

Jess: (Sitting in a theater waiting.)

Dani: (Comes in theater with an umbrella in her hand humming to Singin' in the Rain) Hi, Jess! (Continues humming) Just dancing, singing in the rain. Oh Jess look at this I discovered something really cool, it's like awesome we can use it during our performance! Look! (Takes umbrella and pops it open and closes it really fast)

Jess: Danielle have you thought of a musical to perform yet?

Dani: Well I was thinking of Singin' in the Rain…

Jess: Lina is hilarious in that one…

Dani: Remember the ta, te ti toe too scene?

Jess: Of course, how could I forget?

(Blackout change to costumes around twenties time.)

P: Now Ta, te, ti, toe, too.

L: Ta, te, ti, toe, too.

P: No, no Miss Lamont. Round tones. Round tones.

L: Ta, te, ti, toe, too.

P: Now let me hear you read your line.

L: And I can't stan' 'im.

P: And I can't stand him.

L: And I can't stan' 'im.

P: Can't

L: Can't

P: Can't

L: Can't

P: Can't

L: Can't

P: That's better now lets work on the next line.

L: Oh Pierre you shouldn't have come.

P: Oh Pierre you shouldn't have come.

L: Oh Pierre you shouldn't have come.

P: Now. Moses supposes his toeses are roses but Moses supposes erroneously.

L: What?

P: Moses supposes…

L: I heard ya. Gee this is dumb! Moses supposes his toeses are roses but Moses supposes erroneously.

P: But Moses he knoses his toeses aren't roses as Moses supposes his toeses to be.

L: What's the big idea why do I have to recite this? What do they think I am dumb or something?

P: No, no Miss Lamont. We just must teach you round tones so you sound better on screen.

L: What's wrong with the way I talk? What's the big idea?

P: Now let's hear the line we have been practicing all week. And I can't stand him.

L: And I can't stan' 'im.

P: And I can't stand him.

L: And I can't stan' 'im.

P: Can't

L: Can't

P: Can't

L: Can't

P: That's better, I suppose.

L: Oh everybody's picking on me!

P: Well Miss Lamont if you do not round your tones than they might be forced to have someone else talk for you.

L: That would mean I wouldn't do my own talking?

P: Precisely.

L: They can't make a laughingstock out of Lina Lamont. What's wrong with the way I talk what's the big idea? What do they think I am dumb or something? Why I make more money than…than Calvin Coolidge…put together!

(Blackout)

Jess: That is a great musical…especially that song, Good morning…

Dani and Jess: Good morning! It's great to stay up late good morning, good morning to you!

Jess: I would love to do that for a musical, but you know this city. I mean it is New York Danielle were going to have plenty of wonderful people trying out. We should use as many as we can.

Dani: How about My Fair Lady!

Jess: Danielle…

Dani: My absolute favorite…Oh wouldn't it be loverly.

Jess: Loverly isn't even a word.

Dani: It is in musicals.

(Blackout to My Fair Lady)

Eliza: (Danielle and Jessica)

All I want is a room somewhere,  
Far away from the cold night air.  
With one enormous chair,  
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?  
Lots of choc'lates for me to eat, (yum!)  
Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat.  
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,  
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?  
Aow, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still.  
I would never budge 'till spring  
Crept over me windowsill. (Make a windowsill with hands and bounce above it)  
Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee, (hit knees)  
Warm an' tender as 'e can be. 'ho takes good care of me,  
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?

Jess: Okay so that's a lovely song, but we can't do My Fair Lady. I mean since the director gave us the choice of what to do I want a musical where the girl doesn't just fall for a grumpy old man. That's the problem with most musicals. The girl just falls in love with male chauvinist and you know what else? People tend not to like musicals because they aren't realistic because no one randomly breaks into song.

Dani: I don't know about that, I break into song all the time.

Jess: I know, so do I.

Dani: Got yah!

Jess: Yes, well that's just what some critics think…I don't think were going to solve that, but we can a least try to pick a leading girl that is strong.

Dani: Evita?

Jess: (sigh) Not exactly…well she is strong your right about that.

Eva Peron:

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange  
When I try to explain how I feel  
That I still need your love after all that I've done  
You won't believe me  
All you will see is a girl you once knew  
Although she's dressed up to the nines  
At sixes and sevens with you  
I had to let it happen, I had to change  
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel  
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun  
So I chose freedom  
Running around, trying everything new  
But nothing impressed me at all  
I never expected it to  
Don't cry for me Argentina  
The truth is I never left you  
All through my wild days  
My mad existence  
I kept my promise  
Don't keep your distance  
And as for fortune, and as for fame  
I never invited them in  
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired  
They are illusions  
They are not the solutions they promised to be  
The answer was here all the time  
I love you and hope you love me  
Don't cry for me Argentina

Dani: Well?

Jess: It's a beautiful musical, but I hate politics. She also wasn't the most religious person in the world.

Dani: Oh so you want religion in the play? Well here's the play to do then! (To the booth) Hit it! (Touches her heart as Overture from JCS plays) It's brilliant!

Judas:  
Every time I look at you I don't understand  
Why you let the things you did get so out of hand.  
You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned.  
Why'd you choose such a backward time in such a strange land?  
If you'd come today you could have reached a whole nation.  
Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication.  
Don't you get me wrong, don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong.  
I only want to know. I only want to know. I only want to know. I only want to know.  
Choir:  
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ,  
Who are you? What have you sacrificed?  
Jesus Christ Superstar,  
Do you think you're what they say you are?  
Judas:  
Tell me what you think about your friends at the top.  
Who'd you think besides yourself's the pick of the crop?  
Buddha, was he where it's at? Is he where you are?  
Could Mohammed move a mountain, or was that just PR?  
Did you mean to die like that? Was that a mistake, or  
Did you know your messy death would be a record breaker?  
Don't you get me wrong.  
I only want to know.  
Chorus (Jess walks around shaking her head as others continue to dance.)

Jess: No, no go home all of you. Danielle?

Dani: (to the singers) Please stay! Stay! I like you!

Jess: Danielle? Maybe not that religious. Mary isn't even strong.

Dani: (Sarcastically) Mary isn't even strong…. Oh come on Jess, that's a great play. She's strong!

Jess: Yeah, you're right. In a way she's strong.

Dani: She shows another side of her, the side Jesus saw in her. I mean when you think about it almost everyone in the world probably wishes that they could have gone back to before Jesus was crucified and change things. Just listen to her song…

Mary:

I've been living to see you.  
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.  
This was unexpected,  
What do I do now?  
Could we start again please?  
I've been very hopeful, so far.  
Now for the first time, I think we're going wrong.  
Hurry up and tell me,  
This is just a dream.  
Oh could we start again please?

Peter:  
I think you've made your point now.  
You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home.  
Before it gets too frightening,  
We ought to call a vote,  
So could we start again please?

Mary, Peter and chorus:  
I've been living to see you.  
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.  
This was unexpected,  
What do I do now?  
Could we start again please?  
I think you've made your point now.  
You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home.  
Before it gets too frightening,  
We ought to call a vote,  
So could we start again please?  
Could we start again please? (Repeat 5 times)  
Mary:  
Could we start again?

Jess: Yes it's beautiful, Danielle. I just don't know if we should do such a controversial musical. While it's incredibly moving, it's also incredibly sad.

Dani: You're right. The ending makes me cry every time. Hey! Princess Fred was strong! We could do _Once Upon a Mattress_! (Clears throat) I've always been, shy! (starts coughing on the high loud note)

Jess: Don't hurt yourself.

Dani: K

Jess: We are not doing Once Upon a Mattress. I don't want that kind of strong either. I mean come on, "Shy!" No. Hey, wouldn't having children in it be a good idea?

Dani: Yeah! How about the Music Man? Goodnight my someone, goodnight my love…

Jess: No, no no. I just remembered…she falls for that liar! I love all of that musical except for that small detail.

Dani: But, Jess it's really good and she is strong.

Jess: Strong enough to fall in love with Professor Hill.

Dani: (sighs deeply.) Why don't we go and walk in Central Park? Maybe we'll think of something.

Jess: Danielle, it looks like it's going to rain!

Dani: Then we'll just take an umbrella and we can be just dancing singing in the rain!

Jess: Sounds like a plan.

(Blackout)

Dani: (Walking) Oh my gosh! Look, Jess! There's a building!

Jess: No! Really? A building in New York? Imagine that.

Dani: I'm sorry, Jess, but I get so excited whenever we walk around New York. I can't believe we are here for college and the weather is wonderful right now! It's just way too cool.

Jess: Yeah if only we could think of a play to do for our community theater everything would be perfect.

Dani: So let's review. We want a musical where the leading person is a girl, she is strong, doesn't fall in love with a grumpy old man, is religious, but not too religious and the ending can't upset us, so it can't be too sad, and it should have children in it. How about Oklahoma or Carousel?

Jess: (Danielle trying to think of musicals interrupting at times.) Are you kidding? In Carousel someone dies and in Oklahoma she falls for the typical slightly rude grumpy young man. The leading girl can't marry just any random person.

Dani: Wait we can do Footloose! Looking into your eyes I know I'm right! But you gotta cut loose! Footloose! Kick off your Sunday shoes!

Jess: Danielle, I never want to do Footloose again, ever…the music is good, but no.

Dani: But I like Footloose!

Jess: Anyway, the person she falls in love with should treat her well. He can't just think she is an ordinary woman. I hate that typical plot revolving around musicals. That's all he thinks about in Oklahoma and Carousel, what the girl is going to do for him.

Dani: I know! How to Succeed in Buisnees! There is a brotherhood of men! A benevolent brotherhood of men a noble tie that binds all human hearts and minds into one brotherhood of men!

Jess: No, no, no we are not doing How to Succeed. That is such a long musical and the Rosemary isn't the greatest female heroine. If I were one of those girls I wouldn't get married to one of those rude male shovenests.

Dani: Wait! We want kids in it so we can do Annie! You're never fully dressed without a smile! Your clothes may be…

Jess: Danielle…Mr. Spiess says that musical is for kids voices.

Dani: Well Ms. Toepke says it's a bad musical overall because it's overdone!

Jess: Well why did you suggest Jesus Christ Superstar if your going off what our high school teacher hates…she hates that one too!

Jess & Dani: (look to the booth where Ms. Toepke is watching) Ms. Toepke you win!

Jess: Seriously, in musicals the girls get treated like dirt and they still fall in love with those pathetic pigs. I would never be caught dead falling for one of those guys.

Dani: Jess, you remind me of Tzeitel

Jess: Why?

Dani: So unwilling to get married!

Hodel:  
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,  
Make me a match,  
Find me a find,  
catch me a catch  
Matchmaker, Matchmaker  
Look through your book,  
And make me a perfect match  
Chava:  
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,  
I'll bring the veil,  
You bring the groom,  
Slender and pale.  
Bring me a ring for I'm longing to be,  
the envy of all I see.  
Hodel:  
For Papa,  
Make him a scholar.  
Chava:  
For mama,  
Make him rich as a king.  
Chava and Hodel:  
For me, well,  
I wouldn't holler  
If he were as handsome as anything.  
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,  
Make me a match,  
Find me a find,  
Catch me a catch,  
Night after night in the dark I'm alone  
So find me match,  
Of my own.

Tzeitel:  
Since when are you in a match, Chava? I thought you had your eye on your books.  
Tzeitel:  
And you have your eye on the Rabbi's son.  
Hodel:  
Well, why not?  
We have only one Rabbi and he has only one son.  
Why shouldn't I want the best?  
Tzeitel:  
Because you're a girl from a poor family.  
So whatever Yenta brings, you'll take, right? Of course right!  
Hodel, oh Hodel,  
Have I made a match for you!  
He's handsome, he's young! Alright, he's 62.  
But he's a nice man, a good catch, true? True.  
I promise you'll be happy,  
And even if you're not,  
There's more to life than that---Don't ask me what.  
Chava, I found him.  
Won't you be a lucky bride!  
He's handsome, he's tall, That is from side to side.  
But he's a nice man, a good catch, right? Right.  
You heard he has a temper.  
He'll beat you every night,  
But only when he's sober,  
So you'll alright.  
Did you think you'd get a prince?  
Well I do the best I can.  
With no dowry, no money, no family background  
Be glad you got a man!  
Chava:  
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,  
You know that I'm  
Still very young.  
Please, take your time.  
Hodel:  
Up to this minute, I've misunderstood  
That I could get stuck for good.  
Chava and Hodel:  
Dear Yenta, See that he's gentle  
Remember, You were also a bride.  
It's not that I'm sentimental  
Chava and Hodel and Tzeitel:  
It's just that I'm terrified!  
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,  
Plan me no plans I'm in no rush  
Maybe I've learned  
Playing with matches  
A girl can get burned  
So, Bring me no ring  
Groom me no groom  
Find me no find  
Catch me no catch  
Unless he's a matchless match.

Jess: Fiddler on the Roof would be good...I just don't know and the ending really is depressing.

Dani: Yeah it doesn't feel like the right one. Well we could do Phantom.

Jess: You're kidding, right?

Meg:  
Where in the world  
have you been hiding?  
Really, you were perfect! I only wish  
I knew your secret!  
Who is this new tutor?  
Christine:  
Father once spoke of an angel . . .  
I used to dream he'd appear . . .  
Now as I sing, I can sense him . . .  
And I know he's here . . .  
(trance-like)  
Here in this room  
he calls me softly . . .  
somewhere inside hiding . . .  
Somehow I know  
he's always with me . . .  
he - the unseen genius . . .  
Meg:  
Christine, you must have  
been dreaming . . .  
stories like this can't come true . . .  
Christine, you're talking in riddles . . .  
and it's not like you . . .  
Christine: (not hearing her, ecstatic)  
Angel of Music!  
Guide and guardian!  
Grant to me your glory!  
Meg: (to herself)  
Who is this angel? This . . .  
Both  
Angel of Music! Hide no longer!  
Secret and strange angel . . .  
Christine: (darkly)  
He's with me, even now . . .  
Meg:(bewildered)  
Your hands are cold . . .  
Christine:  
All around me . . .  
Meg:  
Your face, Christine, it's white . . .  
Christine:  
It frightens me . . .  
Meg:  
Don't be frightened . . .  
Jess: Would you like to tell me how to secure rights to that one? Considering the movie just came out and it's still playing on Broadway.

Dani: Well, I'll just pay ten million dollars. That will make them want to sell the rights. (Hears bells in the distance)

Jess: Hey, what time is it?

Dani: 5:00 o'clock

Jess: We've been out here that long?

Dani: Were going to miss church

Jess: Let's go!

(Confused run around the stage adlibbing I always get lost in New York, which way is it? Etc. Enter back in)

Dani: Jess! I have an idea! Well actually first I wanted to tell you I used the left hand at communion today, aren't you proud of me?

Jess: Danielle you're supposed to use your right hand, I use my left because I'm left handed.

Dani: Oh. Anyway, I was dying to tell you about my idea all through mass! There's one musical we're totally forgetting.

Jess: What?

Dani: The Sound of Music! It has everything we want. I mean it is religious, beautiful, has cute children in it, the singing goes along perfectly with it, they don't randomly break into song and she doesn't fall in love with some grumpy old…shoot!

Jess: Sea Captain? (Danielle looks exasperated.) I know, I know, he really isn't grumpy, he is sad his wife did pass away…

Dani: I think that's a good enough excuse.

Jess: And once Maria sets him straight; he is actually (deep breathe) so incredibly handsome. (Laughs)

The hills are alive with the sound of music  
With songs they have sung for a thousand years  
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music  
My heart wants to sing every song it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of a bird  
That rise from the lake to the trees  
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies  
From a church on a breeze  
To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls  
Over stones on its way  
To sing through the night  
Like a lark who is learning to pray

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely  
I know I will hear what I heard before  
My heart will be blessed  
With the sound of music  
And I'll sing once more

(Watches Maria cross over smiling.)

Jess: Well I think we have a show! What do you think, Danielle?

Dani: I think so too! Yay! (Hug)

Jess: Do you think people will like it?

Dani: Jess, anything set in the Alps, that has cute kids that sing beautiful songs is destined to be a hit. People will love it…

(Lights up to performance.)

Edelweiss, Edelweiss  
Every morning you greet me  
Small and white  
Clean and bright  
You look happy to meet me

Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow  
Bloom and grow forever  
Edelweiss, Edelweiss  
Bless my homeland forever  
(Repeat…try to get audience to sing. After finished take bows.)

Jess: Thank you very much for coming tonight and now we would like to bid you farewell…the best way we know how.

There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall  
And the bells in the steeple too.  
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird  
Is popping out to say cook-coo  
Gretl, Brigitta & Marta:  
cook-coo, cook-coo  
Regretfully they tell us -- cook-coo  
But firmly they compel us -- cook-coo  
To say goodbye -- cook-coo...  
To you...

So long farewell, auf weidersehen goodnight  
Marta  
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight

So long farewell, auf weidersehen adieu  
Friedrich  
Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you

So long farewell, au revior auf weidersehen  
Liesl  
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne  
Yes?  
Captain  
No

So long farewell, auf weidersehen goodbye  
Kurt  
I leave and heave a sigh and say good-bye - goodbyyyyyyeeeee!  
Brigitta  
I'm glad... to go... I cannot tell a lie  
Louisa  
I fleet, I float, I fleetly flee I fly...  
Gretl  
The sun... has gone... to bed and so must I...  
So long...farewell...auf weidersehen goodbye...  
Goodbye...Goodbye...Goodbye... Goodbye...

(Curtin Call, Danielle and I walk out with umbrellas and pop them then bow together!)

Fin!

(Review Please and tell me what you think!


End file.
